It's been a while since I've visited the Tome. JD's been a bit wore out, physically and emotionally, of late.... which, I suppose, makes life all the more interesting.
So on to the Demon Boy, aka Johnny, aka other things I am less proud of screaming in anger at times.
As some of you know, my only son, John William, has been a real handful since he was about 3 or 4 months old. As he progresses in age he tends to become more and more... crazy.
Little Johnny never listens. It's not for lack of discipline, as my wife and I have tried everything from timeouts to spankings. The boy simply won't mind. Period. No matter the consequences, he won't listen to anyone. It may sound hard to believe that a child wouldn't listen to anything, but it's true. From the simple to the complicated he pays us no mind whatsoever. It's baffling, to be honest. My other children listen very well and it isn't unusual to get compliments at family and social functions from people about how well behaved my girls are, which is something I am proud of and only confounds me even more when it comes to Johnny.
Johnny likes to break things just for the heck of it, I guess. He never has an answer as to why he did it, just because, which also happens to be his answer for most things when questioned. Wouldn't it be nice, as adults, if we could simply answer just because and have no more questions asked? Ah.. to be young again.
Johnny doesn't like to be told no, either. I thought the constant crying might stop once he graduated from a baby to a toddler, but it seems to only be getting worse and louder. When Johnny was a baby, if some of you recall, he cried for the better part of the day and night.
My family doctor assured me there was nothing wrong with him, that some children just cry a lot while some don't.
Nowadays Johnny still cries a lot. Basically any time he hears the word no, followed by a truckloads of why!?, though he is never interested in an explanation. Things like this can drive a man crazy.
Last week Johnny stole and wrecked his first car; hopefully this is not something he will do again. He is only 3 and a half years old, so I guess he has plenty of time to plan his next grand theft auto.
My wife came home from work last Wednesday to pick up Johnny and Katie to take them out to their grandparent's house for a few hours while I worked on replacing a wheel bearing and CV/axle shaft that had gone out in the van.
The van being out of action, we had borrowed my mother-in-law's car until I could repair the van.
Anyway, my wife came in the door to pick up the kids and Johnny ran out the door to, what I could only assume, play on the front porch like he often does. Johnny, of course, had bigger plans.
Moments later I heard my wife scream the car is gone!. It had been sitting in the driveway facing the garage and back yard fence (thank God...), one moment there and the next gone.
I ran out the door, half in doubt but soon a believer. I looked down the driveway and the car was lodged snugly against the corner fence post, the driver side door caved in and hung up on it, front tire still spinning. Apparently Chrysler is the only car manufacturer that hasn't gone to the safety standard of requiring the brake to be engaged before a vehicle can be shifted into gear.
By the time I got there, Johnny was already in the back seat trying to hide on the floor. I reached in from the passenger side and took the car out of gear and turned it off. Rather than grabbing the boy I somehow realized it was probably not the best idea to even be around him for a few hours, so I left my wife to handle it from there.
Turns out it wasn't a mistake on Johnny's part. I had hoped he had just bumped the gear shifter on accident as he was climbing into the car but he said he planned on driving it... just because.
So... $1800 worth of cosmetic damage to the car later and some pissed off in-laws, here we are.
I'm sure there will be other entries into this thread, The Saga of Demon Boy, at some point- hopefully later than sooner.
He seems pretty normal for his age, actually. He and Titan aren't too far apart in age, and while people often lament the "Terrible Twos," that stage usually starts before two years old, and extends well beyond it.
Children, from the time that they begin to roll over and crawl, begin to seek and to assert their independence. Your child has a mind of his own, and apparently, he has learned to use it. While you may find it to be personally frustrating - even very frustrating, it is actually a good thing. Also, there is more than a little irony in you complaining about someone who won't listen. Perhaps he simply emulates his father.
Comparing apples (your daughters) to an orange (your son) will yield anything but the answers that you seek. It will only complicate your attempt to analyze and figure it all out.
For a fan of rodeo, you certainly seem to have no clue as to why a small child, Demon Boy, is more difficult to tame than a grown bull. The boy is infinitely smarter than the bull, and in all of the time that you have been trying to figure him out, he has been studying you, as well. He just seems to have learned more about you than you have about him.
Because you can't read minds, you will never fully comprehend all of the things that he does, much less why he does them.
With regard to the vehicle that someone provided him such easy access to, whatever may be his fault, someone leaving him keys to start the vehicle (or left it running, perhaps, instead) is definitely not his fault. Kids are smart. They are enormously intelligent. He wanted to drive a car like mommy and daddy do. Thus, what's his crime?
I had a friend in the fourth grade who did a similar thing. He died in the incident. You should consider yourself fortunate if your son came away from the episode uninjured.
How you see and perceive a given incident is starkly different from how a kid will see and perceive it. Titan's first day of school became about a cookie that he didn't get to finish eating. One of his cousins, in the same class, her first day was about the teacher taking Titan away from he (separating them). A lot of things aren't going to make sense to you, and will drive you straight up the wall, if you look at them from your perspective. A lot of things that I did as a child would not seem quite so great an idea, today, with a more developed sense of perspective.
How old is your son, JD? Realistically, how mature do you honestly expect a child of that age to act? How do children obtain maturity? Through time and experience. Your son's life has not been long enough, thus far, to acquire very much of either experience or maturity.
Every child on the face of the planet is unique. A technique that may work with one may fail if used on a million more.
Your other children probably do listen very well, and more so than your son, certainly. They are older and have more experience and maturity than your son.
At three and one half years old, your son lacks the mental faculties to fully conceive of what grand theft auto is. There's likely not a prosecutor in the country would who prosecute your son for that crime for the incident in question. Who was watching your son, at the time that he was able to commandeer the vehicle? Apparently, no one. If someone was actually watching him, then how did he manage to pull off what he pulled off? This is a prime example of how people think that they are watching a child, when in fact, all of the evidence is to the contrary. A lack of proper supervision, not grand theft auto, would be a more accurate description of this particular episode which you are so annoyed about.
If your collective experience, thus far, is that your son routinely does things that he shouldn't be doing, then common sense dictates that he needs to be more closely supervised, not more loosely supervised. The mere fact that he drives you up the wall is not sufficient basis whereupon to distance yourself from the quintessential parental role of supervision.
Your son (unlike your first daughter, to use her as example to illustrate the point) didn't enjoy the luxury of being your only child, during his earliest formative years. She had no competition for your attention and affection, it should be noted. Raising and rearing your son, your third child, in an environment quite different than the environment that you raised and reared your first child in, should yield a notably different set of results.
Kids will ask lots of questions about things that you take for granted. Titan wanted to know where air came from, and when he watched his cousin's diaper being changed, once, he was a bit taken aback by the fact that she did not have a penis. To the adult, it was a humorous thing, To my son, he was concerned for his cousin.
Your son is a rather clever little fellow. You should have better sense than to teach him how to push your buttons and how to drive you up the wall. He has already reached the age where he comprehends how to manipulate you. You're a lot like Play Doh. You just don't seem to grasp and realize that, JD.
Your son is in direct and life long competition with his siblings for the attention and affection of yourself, your wife, and everyone else. He has been surrounded by females, since the day that he was born. He wants to be his own person, one with his own identity. He is an individual, not a sheep in a flock. I have three older sisters. Thus, I have more than a little sympathy for Demon Boy.
When you share tales of your son with us, you tend to be more negative than positive about him. One can only imagine what things are like, from his perspective. He's the most vulnerable of the bunch of you, and yet, he is also the recipient of the most negative characterizations. The end result? Your child is likely learning about something called alienation. It is very doubtful that you will succeed in "fixing" your son's behavior by alienating him and by ostracizing him. You have a brain, Josh. Why don't you use it?
As I tell my wife, from time to time, if what you are doing is not working, then perhaps you should change the way that you do things. Your son's life is his own, and it is unsurprising that he wants a say in what he gets to do and how he acts. You are only feeding his flames by tossing fuel on his fire. Then, you have the audacity to complain about getting burnt.
Silly parents.
If your son learns to perceive you as his adversary, then he will treat you as one. Is that really what you want, though?
Whether you realize it or not, you are the primary influence upon him. Not just when you interact with him, but when you interact with others, as well. As a male, you should appreciate your son's perspective. Yet, do you?
He asks you truckloads of "Why?" You should provide truckloads of answers that make sense. If not, then your son will naturally find that to be a hollow, empty, and frustrating experience. Experience and maturity, two things that your son is greatly lacking in, are the primary and usual impediments to human beings pitching temper tantrums (no matter what their age is - adults do the same things as kids, you know).
Transitioning from infant to toddler is not a magical cure all. If anything, you have the same child with very little net gains in life experience and maturity that is suddenly empowered with full mobility, hyper-energy, high metabolism, all complicated by very rudimentary and largely undeveloped communication skills. That, in turn, is a recipe for what? For temper tantrums, of course. It is further complicated by a short attention span.
Learn to exploit your son's inherent weakness. He has a short attention span, so use that against him. Learn the art of daddy magic - the art of distraction. Refocus his attention. It's a lot like being a Jedi. Use the Force, dammit! The Force is weak in you, JD. This is why your son is able to use old Jedi mind tricks upon you.
If you become exasperated and lose it, then your son will watch that, he will learn from it, and he will draw energy and a sense of power from it, just as if you were a battery.
My son throws tantrums, at times. Because kids learn to adapt to the same old techniques, I continually adapt, as well and as necessary. Hence, why what was once a common chair, previously, has recently gained notoriety as the Crying Chair. Titan hates the crying chair with a passion. The only thing that holds him bound to it? Two words - No permission. Meaning, of course, that he has no permission to get up from that chair.
Sometimes, I just let his tantrum burn off some of his excess energy. Never lose your objectivity, for if you do, the advantage in a situation transfers to your child. If your child becomes hyper-emotionally invested in a given episode, then it is then, more so than at any other time, that you must engage them in a quite different manner.
Titan is a little over four years old, now. My tone of voice, as much as anything, reins in much of his excess emotional displays of drama and melodrama. Does he do things that warrant correction and discipline? Yep. On a daily basis, in fact. But, that's quite normal for a four year old, in my considered opinion and based upon my past experiences with nephews and nieces.
At three and a half years old, your son has energy than you can't begin to fathom. All of that energy, if channeled into driving you up the wall, or if channeled into displays of hyper-emotionalism, will wear you down and get to you. But, if you not only allow it, but encourage it through how you react to it, then you should not be surprised if you then find yourself being driven bonkers.
Your son requires more time and attention, as a three and a half year old, than he ever required as an infant. If you thought that it should be otherwise, then reality will impose itself upon you to teach you the error of your ways. Your son is not your enemy. Quit allowing yourself to be his adversary.
Whatever your approach is, Josh, it isn't working. So, change your approach. That, in turn, requires a reinvestment of your time and attention. It really doesn't matter what your approach is, the way that you can tel if it is the right approach or the wrong approach is by what results it yields.
Does my approach always work with Titan? Nope, not at all. But, it works most of the time, and it tends to yield results that are fairly consistent. I am enough of a realist to comprehend and to accept that no set of results from any approach will yield perfection.
Not only is perfection not achievable, it is undesirable. Why? Because, I want my son to grow up to become his own person, his own individual, one with his own sense of identity. To nurture individuality on his part requires relinquishment of control on my part. In some areas, I yield no control, whatsoever (going in the road is one example, as it constitutes a manifest and instantaneous threat to his safety).
In other areas, I give my son wide latitude and leeway. In some areas, I even encourage my son's behavior (such as teaching him the value and humor in aggravating people, so as to grow and develop within him a very broad sense of humor - which will likely serve him very well in his adult years).
Not sure what advice I'd be willing to give here. Not that it even sounded as if you were even looking for such. I will say that Grim never does cease to amaze me with his over the top style though. While some of what he says makes sense, he throws in a bunch of supposition and sarcasm that seems to make anything good he has to say seem less worthwhile.
For instance (unless I'm missing something) JD doesn't perpetually describe his son as bad, but is merely venting about a specific case in point. A case I might add that would draw the ire of many a father were it to happen to him. To suggest that anger would/should play no part in response to such is not totally fair to JD.
There are sure to be bumps in the attitude road during the upbringing of any child, but there are also children whom for one reason or another can not bring themselves into a base of control at any age. Sometimes having such incidents become more frequent and progressive, despite parental/medical/psychological intervention. I do hope this is not the case here, but it definitely bears watching. I'd suggest starting a log of some sort to try and track behavior. Perhaps noting which method/methods of discipline were used to try and correct it. It may help lead to a more rounded look at the overall situation.
I may comment more at a later time, but for now I have to go pick up wee-girl from Karate.
JD,
You are going to have some great stories one day. Write them down now and write a book later. You don’t have to follow anything I say and it won’t make me feel bad if you call me a lunatic. First Grim is right you can’t, and shouldn’t “fix him” (picture a steer or a gelding). There is some truth in the old adage, “boys will be boys”. I have two stepsons age 26 and 28 and two daughter ages 15 and 17. They are all night and day, day and night different. I think all boys should not go to school until they are 10 or 12, they should spend their time chasing the dog with a stick and yelling. Sometimes the dog bites back, sometimes you fall on the stick and hurt yourself. Your job as a parent is not shelter your child from failure (failure is a good teacher, really, really good sometimes) but instead, make sure that the dog isn’t too big nor too slow and stick isn’t too pointy. Too big a dog and your son gets hurt bad, too slow and the dog gets hurt.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not against spanking and I believe that it should be used more widely but it is not always effective. Your son sound like he fits in that category and a time out may be better choice. I work with a lady who told me about the time when she washed her sons mouth out with soap. Halfway through he says, “mm, yummy can I have some more”? Sitting on the “naughty step” or standing in the corner, especially when there is action going on somewhere is torture, pure and simple torture to a 3 year old. A feature is that he doesn’t have to listen to you, just sit or stand quietly, and then you can ask him to explain what when wrong. “Do you know why you had to sit in time out” and “do you want to get up now?” “Go apologize then” or “Go pick up your toys then”. He will figure it out eventually. Don’t break his spirit but do teach him self discipline, right from wrong, and gentleness and whatever else you think a big wild adult male should know. You aren’t raising a child; you are raising a man. Football, Motocross, rock climbing, extreme sports, wrestling with dad, the US Navy Seal training, whatever you choose find someway for him to use up energy and to express himself. (He may just need a little brother to beat on). JK, jk. You and your wife and family can figure out the specifics just be sure to stay involved and guide, but don’t control. Help little John to find some good manly male outlet that he and dad can revel in.
My wife always practiced not ever calling our kids “bad”. Their actions maybe bad, but we never called them bad. If you dig ditches, if you are the President of the Great US of A, years from now nothing will be as important as your family, your wife, and your kids. Treasure them. They treasure you and will if you stay true. Here is something to think about, when you eat dinner with them, every week, once a week, take their head in your hands look them in the eyes and bless them, father to son, father to daughter. Find something in your heart to give them and bless them with it, it may just be, “I love you”.
One more think, don’t drive yourself crazy getting angry and yelling. It will wear you out – not him. You are the parent, you are the authority. When the police officer pulls you over he isn’t angry and yelling, just “license and registration”. He has the ticket book and you know it. He is in complete control. Yell, cry, scream do whatever, more likely than not it’s not going to keep you from getting that ticket. Johnny will learn it may take some time, but he will learn.
Bless you and yours.
(10-06-2009 08:37 AM)Bytor of the Snowdogs Wrote: [ -> ]For instance (unless I'm missing something) JD doesn't perpetually describe his son as bad, but is merely venting about a specific case in point. A case I might add that would draw the ire of many a father were it to happen to him. To suggest that anger would/should play no part in response to such is not totally fair to JD.
OK, Slothtor, tell me how the kid managed to drive an automobile off and wreck it, if he was being properly supervised. I understand the anger part, but where does responsibility, in this particular instance, properly lie? It's not like the kid is a teenager. He's not even four years old, yet.
As far as where I said,
"When you share tales of your son with us, you tend to be more negative than positive about him," that's a truthful statement. I've heard far more negative comments about Demon Boy over the years from JD than I have heard positive comments.